Love Languages for Educators

Erin Asselin and Linzi Golding are members of the National Attendance & Engagement Meta Network at HTHGSE.

Perhaps you’ve heard about the New York Times best seller The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Dr. Gary Chapman—the popular book that helps people improve their relationships by learning how their partner understands and welcomes love. You may have even used these ideas for your own relationships. But have you used them to build highly functional teams, improve intra-team dynamics, and strengthen collegial relationships?

The idea behind The 5 Love Languages is that people express and receive love in different ways. By learning to recognize the preferred ways in which people in your life understand love, you can better connect with people, and this can have profound impacts on all of your relationships, even at work and school. 

According to Chapman, the love languages are:

1. Acts of service: Actions speak louder than words.
2. Receiving gifts: Receiving a heartfelt gift makes some people feel loved. 
3. Quality Time: Giving the other person your undivided attention. 
4. Words of Affirmation: Using language to support other people.
5. Physical Touch: Feeling connected through physical closeness. 

In my personal life, I fell into a common love language trap. I love my partner, and logically, I knew that his love language was quality time, while mine was words of affirmation. Even though I understood this consciously, acting in my love language came naturally to me, but learning to speak his was a challenge. During dinner, I would check my phone for messages and emails while expressing how delicious the meal he spent hours cooking tasted—one of many ways that I delivered love through my language instead of his. My attention was divided, and although we were sitting at the same table together, I was doing a terrible job of giving him quality time. 

At work and on a team, this happens often. We may think we are meeting everyone’s needs, but more often we are missing the mark. Understanding and addressing the nature of these relationship dynamics in professional contexts are the soft skills that great leaders use to build more integrated and highly functional teams that differentiate their approach to tap into what makes their team tick.  

Continuous improvement in education requires adults to work together. To truly collaborate, they need to learn how to communicate effectively and offer meaningful support. Using the model of the five love languages helped us uncover different ways educators can develop more highly functioning teams and deeply engage in continuous improvement work. 

We often think of love languages as static—set in stone like our zodiac sign or our refusal to read the terms and conditions. But in reality, love languages are dynamic, evolving with time, experience, and—let’s be honest—how much coffee we’ve had that day. It is essential to remember that we are all different—everybody is tuned to have different interpretations of the behaviors of those around them. So, a highly functioning team undertaking the important work of continuous improvement will learn to offer the differentiated and personalized support that their coworkers specifically need.

Let’s break down how an Improvement Coach—or any other school or systems leader—can approach educators in a way that offers support tailored to their specific love languages, improving intra-team dynamics and strengthening collegial relationships. 

• Acts of Service. For these educators, nothing feels as great as a little help. Some school days are full of unending, seemingly impossible challenges. For those who value acts of service, colleagues might give that educator a little time back by taking care of a task for them or surprising them with an action that helps them get through their day. An Improvement Coach might use acts of service to build relationship capital with educators by helping them pull data for their teams, taking a mundane or time-consuming task off their plate, or offering to update a spreadsheet with formulas so that it can be easily updated. Other much-appreciated acts of service might include creating a meeting scope and sequence, helping set up for student-led conferences, or simply offering to cover their class for 10 minutes so they can take a quick restroom break or refill their coffee. 

• Words of Affirmation. Some educators find encouragement in celebration, face-to-face shoutouts, heartfelt cards, and other positive recognition. Improvement Coaches can make these educators feel seen and heard by praising their work—and don’t be afraid to do so publicly. Let them know through a quick chat, email, or text that you appreciate when they’ve done something great, taken a risk, or are just hanging in there. Educators who value words of affirmation are the people who need your motivational speeches and pep talks, especially when the work is challenging. To shower these educators with words of affirmation, leave sticky notes for them at their desk or on their computer, or send a quick text to keep them moving in the right direction. The ways you verbally celebrate them help remind them that they are the champions of their work. As a coach, finding even the smallest ways to lift them up through affirmative language will do wonders for team culture. 

• Receiving Gifts. Some educators derive motivation and inspiration from tangible things. A school-branded t-shirt or hoodie, lunch box, or water bottle are all coveted gifts from an Improvement Coach. A catered lunch or breakfast can make people feel seen and appreciated. Other gifts work too; if you are at a conference, for example, consider bringing back a book for a team member. Notice each other’s quirks and hobbies—maybe they enjoy coffee or chocolate and would truly appreciate receiving a surprise token of appreciation. Communicating “I saw this and thought of you” goes miles for some educators. 

• Quality Time. Improvement Coaches can show love to educators who value quality time by staying longer after a coaching meeting or picking up that late-night phone call. Spending time to ensure your teammate understands how to update a spreadsheet or troubleshoot a new process is extremely valuable to them. These educators are the team members who ask questions even after the meeting has ended—they ask because they especially appreciate time with you. Sharing your ideas, curiosity, and care by answering their questions shows these educators they are valued. Even if a project is not collaborative by definition, these educators appreciate meeting to work side-by-side. They do their best work when given the opportunity to engage in meaningful conversations and spend productive time together with their team. 
• Physical Touch. We know what you are thinking … but all love languages are important, and there are healthy ways to support others with physical touch, even at work or school. Some people love a good high five, hip bump, or even a hug. Just as you might welcome students into your classroom with a menu of different greetings, adults also enjoy that personal connection that comes from a custom fist bump or secret handshake. As an Improvement Coach, speaking this love language is also about making your team feel physically welcome and safe in the space you are in. It can look like providing an inviting space for meetings so all people are physically comfortable, which allows them to be more open, share their ideas, and be heard as equal voices. It can also be about having a warm welcome and an open door for support. 

These are the types of practices that help colleagues say things like, “I love my job” and “I love my team.”

While some of these actions may seem above and beyond the scope of a coach, they are immensely effective for developing educational leaders who build highly functional teams with a great deal of shared investment in their colleagues. When we identify one educator’s love language as quality time, we plan to sit and review data, discuss, and action-plan together. When another educator values words of affirmation, we send a detailed visit summary highlighting direct “glows” with a few areas to strengthen after every visit. These two distinct actions support their respective love languages, creating a meaningful connection and enhancing collaboration and partnership. 

Applying the love languages to continuous improvement for educators isn’t about labeling people or not letting them change—it’s about using a tool to tap into what motivates people to persist through challenges with excellence. As you embrace these various strategies with your team of educators, take stock and check in from time to time, as love languages can change. Typically, people understand love dynamically, and on a spectrum; they aren’t all-or-nothing. People generally fall into more than one bucket and most people value all of them to some degree—there is a big difference between a colleague who doesn’t need many words of affirmation and one who doesn’t need any (pro tip: it is not a good idea to assume someone is the latter!). While some people prefer specific gestures to affirming words, what really matters is to create a supportive environment where each team member feels valued, and to embrace the beautiful variety on your team. As a coach, we encourage you to become fluent speakers of the Improver’s Love Language so that you can help to support and motivate your team. 

The RISE Network helps high school students graduate with a plan and the confidence to succeed in college and careers. Since 2015, RISE has partnered with Connecticut public high schools to use data-driven strategies that improve student outcomes. Working with nine high schools and eight districts, RISE has boosted graduation rates, postsecondary planning, and ninth-grade success while reducing achievement gaps. Recognized by the Carnegie Foundation in 2021, RISE continues to expand its impact through consulting partnerships with schools, state agencies, and nonprofits.